What prepared for war was Clinical pastoral education (CPE). CPE combines didactic education with real-world, hands-on experience for ministers to nurture the living, care for the dying, and honor the dead. The ministry provided spiritual care to patients, families, and staff members in a multi-disciplinary clinical environment. CPE trains clergy as professional chaplains to face a variety of challenges in patient care. This training was my most vital prerequisite to respond to serial trauma in war.
The hands-on experience at MD Cancer Center, Saint Luke Episcopal Medical Center, and Texas Children’s Hospital oncology was a smorgasbord of miracles and horrors in 1991-92. One patient had sarcoma, a rare cancer. The doctors removed his flesh piece by piece to stop the metastasizing of the disease. When we met, his leg was already amputated above the knees. He reported that more chunks of flesh needed removal for any hope of recovery, which appeared dismal. Another patient with lymphoma miraculously survived for 15 years after treatment. Many patients traveled from a long distance looking for a last-ditch effort to live. The care provided at the medical centers in Houston, Texas, provided hope for a cure beyond the scope of their local medical centers.
These places were often the last stop for dying or walking home. They also cared for those in the community who experienced life-threatening trauma. One girl found face down in a swimming pool came to us nearly dead. The situation was full of raw grief that the nurse and I rotated to provide support to the family for hours during horrific grief and guilt while desperately waiting for the physician to provide a report. Miraculously, after hours of emergency care, she survived without brain damage. Another patient I visited while on call resulted in learning about my countertransference issues. For years, while telling others about this story, I held back the rivers of tears.
I entered the patient’s room and noticed a young, dead girl who received leukemia treatment for three years. The situation stunned me, visiting a dead young girl with her hair beautifully fixed hair wearing a lovely green felt dress. The child’s motionless and breathless condition was unnatural. I could not imagine this experience was real. My mind could not wrap its thoughts around the image of the little girl resting before me. I remained at the door quietly for an opportunity to perform ministry. I stood quietly at the door entrance. The mother and the nurses were weeping at the top right corner of the room together, all sobbing with raw grief. To my left, I noticed a little boy standing alone by the room entrance with me. He was staring quietly at his sister, not knowing what to do. I could sense he wanted to draw near to his older dead sister but did not know how. I asked him, “Would you like me to slide down the bedrail so you can hug your sister.” He slowly nodded yes and followed me as I put down the bed rail. Tears quietly rolled down my face as I returned to the door, watching the little boy hug his older sister. My sister also died after a month of visiting with her. This countertransference experience became a topic of discussion with my CPE peer group for self-care.
